this is really really hard. he was the best friend i’ve ever had in my life.

we actually met right before i turned 21 and we dated for 2 1/2yrs. after the relationship ended,our connection didn’t. we each had a special place for the other in our hearts.

we used to talk all the time. sometimes daily,then sometimes we would drift apart for a few weeks before talking again.

we only saw each other a couple times a yr even tho he lived in town.

he knew me better than i knew myself,i could go to him for anything/about anything.

he even gave me a spare key to his apartment,telling me if i ever needed to get away or had to talk…his door was always open.

he was like my angel on earth,always looking out for me and what was best for me.

then these last few months,we went into that drifting phase again. between my pregnancy and the other things going on in my life we just didn’t talk as often.

i am so angry right now……he last called me on his birthday last month….we spoke for a bit and i tried to catch him up with everything going on….but i remember we had to hang up and i told him i would call him back soon to finish our talk since the kids were up and i couldn’t really say everything in front of them….. i never called him back….and now it’s too late.

i didn’t even know he went into the hospital until a couple days ago when a mutual friend told me. she swears she texted me to let me know…and she very well may have….my cell sometimes is that way. so i freaked out and called a few hospitals the other day trying to find him. but then she tells me the last text she got was him saying he was getting out the next day,so i felt better knowing that….but then i recalled his email bouncing on me recently and when i tried to call his cell it was out of service…so i flipped out again.

as a last resort i sent his exwife an email,and prayed she would at least respond. i got that response today.and i am just hoping it is some sort of cruel joke,but i know it’s not. she offered for me to call her if i wanted to know anything more,that tells me it is not a joke.she said she tried to contact everyone from his cell…and now i know that had to be her who answered my text message april 3rd,then called my phone but i didn’t answer. i texted back i was unable to talk at the moment.

i can’t stop crying,thinking back over the last 13yrs that i have known him and all the memories we shared together.i just am in shock.i really wish i had known,and talked with him.i don’t know why he didn’t call to let me know he was sick? all i can hope is he didn’t want to add any stress to me with everything else going on…i don’t know the answer tho….

he died march 24th….the day of my boys bdayparty, he was buried the 29th….the day i had my ultrasound.

i plan to contact his ex and find out where he is buried,i am hoping it is local.kerry said he’d go with me to buy flowers and visit the grave….unless he was cremated. i don’t know.

he was one of those ppl who enter your life and make such a huge impact that your whole life is changed forever….and i ended up being a crappy friend in the end and not taking the time out to call him back when it really really would have mattered. i can’t forgive myself for that…knowing i’ll never hear his voice again hurts.

ok,i guess i am done,i needed to get all that out. thanks for reading if you did.

edited to add…..i couldn’t find an obituary online anywhere so i was hoping it was a cruel joke….i called the hospital where he worked and asked to be transferred to his floor. a coworker confirmed it-he is dead. that’s it….no joke,it’s for real.i don’t want to beleive it.it just isn’t right.man,my heart really hurts.

Rest In Peace!