My Life In Words

Archive for the ‘Conflict’ Category

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.  They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  They may seem like a godsend, and they are.  They are there for the reason you need them to be.  Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.  Sometimes they die.  Sometimes they walk away.  Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.  What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled;  their work is done.  The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.  They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.  They may teach you something you have never done.  They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.  Believe it!  It is real!  But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.  Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);  and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.  It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

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july/august 2009 were very rough for me. i checked myself into a treatment center for partial hospitalization-which just means you sit in a room with a bunch of other confused(lol)individuals for about 6hrs monday thru friday for a few weeks, talking about all sorts of lovely things….

on your last day they have a special ritual of sorts where a neat coin is passed around as each person says something positive about you and how they feel about you as a person. i’d forgotten about my coin til it just appeared on my computer desk when i was looking for my business cards.

one side says: I AM POWERLESS BUT NOT HELPLESS, the flip side states  WE CANT CONTROL THE DIRECTION OF THE WIND BUT WE CAN ADJUST OUR SAILS…. just thought it re appeared with good timing and i wanted to share what it said….even tho i think i did last august too! lol

my sails need a serious kick in the ass! 😉

so we found out i was pregnant back in december. quite the shocker i’m telling ya! i was perfectly content with 3 kids,and was SO done and not wanting any more at all. 😦

for health reasons,i can’t take BC so i tried my damndest to convince the MR. to go get snipped. but he’s a chicken shit,yes he is! GRRR. and yes i actually went thru a period of blaming him fully for this pregnancy.like i had no part in it whatsoever, right? but it happened, and here i am about to enter into the 7th month already!! so we deal.

at first i wanted nothing AT ALL to do with the pregnancy-AT ALL. read between the lines all ya want, go ahead! then realizing i just couldn’t do that, i was 100% set on giving it up for adoption. i had no love or bond with the fetus and was set on keeping it that way. i spent HOURS/DAYS browsing different adoption sites, reading stories from adoptees and adopters. i saw both sides of the coin. the good, the bad the ugly. but i didn’t sway from how i felt. and i was SICK. so sick i pretty much lived in bed for weeks on end. nothing stayed down. nothing tasted normal, nothing smelled nice. having anyone even touch me or breath near me would set me off. life was in a word…. HELL for me and everyone near me.

and all this time, no one knew i was pregnant.

so i suffered by myself and became very very depressed and felt super guilty for not having any feelings for my unborn baby. during the worst moments of being sick,i would blame the innocent being inside me for causing it all!!! life.just.sucked.big.time….and so the guilt grew even more! i even told my ob practice that i was giving the baby up when i went for my first visit.i wanted it to be on the table so i would stand my ground with it.

little by little i shared my news with a few close friends whom i trusted and who i could talk to about my feelings on adoption. they didn’t judge.but they were honest with me. at 17 weeks, i pretty much finally told everyone,including family.i was waiting til i had one more test done to be sure the baby was ok but due to an extremely poor decision of a grown man(not related) telling my uncle,the news was out sooner than i wanted. i was pissed off at first, but in the end he did me a favor and no harm no foul.i no longer want to maim him. 😉

at a mere 14 weeks i had a 3d/4d scan done and was told i am having a BOY! she was 75% sure and wanted me back at 16wks to confirm. i pretty much expected it to be a boy since i had a dream(to be in another post cause it’s so awesome like that!)very early on and my boy dreams were right 3 out of 3 times! i never had gender dreams with erika-weird! plus, my body is just naturally inclined to have boy babies.we ‘swayed’ for erika just for fun since it was to be my last baby(haha! jokes on me!). i took like 15 different vitamins/supplements every day,ate certain foods,avoided others,tested my PH to keep it at a certain level,did certain ‘things’ after a certain ‘thing’. 😉 plus the MR. even had to do special things. and it worked! granted,i beleive in the end it’s up to God what you get,so i do feel really blessed to have gotten my princess. she is such a blessing and so different than raising boys. i feel very lucky to have her in this testosterone filled home!

SO…..fast forward to april 2nd at 6am….. as usual i was wide awake with insomnia winning. piglet AKA the babe was also wide awake and putting on a kick boxing show. i decided to place my hands on my belly to see just how strong he has gotten.and i was able to feel his kicks/punches for the first time from the outside! 🙂 i’ve been feeling inner flutters/kicks since 12ish weeks but never by placing my hand to my tummy. anyhoo…in that moment i just had this calm feeling wash over my body and i just knew right then and there- i was KEEPING this baby. it really was the FIRST time i knew in my heart 100% sure what i was going to do. and it felt RIGHT. it hadn’t felt right before then.my brain would say one thing,my heart the opposite.it was a horrendous struggle,more like a fight- every damn day,and it wasn’t fun! so my choice has been made,and even tho i still wonder if it is the right one-i do know that i am OKAY with it and am going to give it my best. i can’t do much more than that.i just hope it all works out.and i am thankful to my friends who have been praying for me over this decision and talking with me. my most heartfelt thanks to sara,truly a one of a kind soul on this earth! she’s taken the brunt of all my emotions over these past months via text message and no matter how i felt or how crazy things got she was always willing to accept what i had to say without trying to change my mind or push me in one direction.she was my angel thru this whole thing. i don’t know how i could have gotten thru it without her by my side to ‘listen’ to my rambles at 3am every morning! lol THANK YOU SARA,FOREVER!! 🙂

so on august 6th i shall become a mommy to 4 children. holy crap! lol. i have to get a c section since erika was an emergency c section and that is how most docs work these days.i might still try and look into finding a doc that is willing to allow me to have a VBAC,but since i had spinal surgery a year ago in my lumbar area, it may not be the best choice. as it is i may not even be a candidate for the spinal necessary with the c section. they may have to give me general anesthesia and i’d miss the whole thing. 😦 i’ve no idea why anyone would ever choose to want a c section over a vaginal birth. it’s INSANE!!

when i told the kids we were having another baby they were excited and wanted a BOY! lol needless to say they are happy.and jakob wants to name him aleksander,but i’m not loving the name anymore. so he remains nameless still. on the current list is: mikal/mikel, zakry,aleks. that’s it! do you have any idea how hard it is to keep up this K thing i started with jakob?? oof. it isn’t easy!! not to mention the 3 of them all have just 5 letters to their name,and while it was purely coincidental,i feel that i need to make this next ones name 5 as well. *sigh*there’s just not many options.

now that i’m no longer sick and having to carry bags everywhere i go,i’ve gained about 5 pounds. i’m still wearing all my regular clothes and that’s pretty darn cool! 🙂 though the jeans aren’t very comfy anymore in the waist.

erika is the most excited-daily she asks me if she is going to be allowed to hold the ‘brother’ on her shoulder and pat his back. it’s the sweetest thing to see how excited the thought of that makes her! she will be such a good mommys helper. she knows how to put diapers on like a PRO! just look at her doll and stuffed animal collection-every one of them is diapered!! HAHA.

jakob was the first person to be able to feel him kick from the outside(aside from me). kerry was next,a few days after that. he couldn’t feel it with his hand so i told him to lay his cheek on my tummy and talk to his son. after about 5 words he got kicked in the face!! man,it was GREAT! wish i could have gotten a picture of his expression!!

the stress is still on over drive but i kind of have to put it on the back burner as it just isn’t healthy right now.i need to start taking it one day at a time.and speaking of time….it is flying by!! it’s unreal how fast this is moving along!!

i’ll share an ultrasound photo soon! those on facebook have already seen a few tho. 🙂

so that’s my latest&greatest!

i have tons and tons of blog worthy material,so much in fact that i’ve got nothin’. it’s just too much.it overwhelms my mind. i really need to get back in business.

i have a bunch of cute kid-ims jotted down at the moment so i could blog them….soon…..very soon.

life is life still. it could be better. it isn’t as good as it was in september/october but hopefully soon it gets back there.

just way way too much going on in my life right now. i just can’t really dissect it all. it’s too overwhelming most days.i’ve lost my patience supply and found myself becoming more and more ambivalent,about more and more things/circumstances. it isn’t the healthiest feeling in the world.

i’ve been missing TC so much lately.i really miss having that connection with someone,especially in times of need. the pain of the loss has gotten less,but the intensity i don’t think has,and it may never.

i’m going to turn 37 soon, and it seems so surreal in many ways. at least i have accomplished my main goal i had as a youngster…to be a mommy!! i always wanted to have a bunch of kids. it’s the most rewarding ‘job’ in the world but man is it ever trying at times. some days i question it all. but being a mom really has some great rewards.

i think i’m just in a funk again.i need to get motivated. i have so much to take care of,to get started,to complete,to figure out.and i’d lately just prefer to sleep(altho unfortunately at odd hours.grr)

i gotta get my mojo back.lol i just need to START,and stop just thinking.

and there ya have it…i’ve got nothin’….nothin’ all over the board!

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SO,this issue has always been of concern to me. why do some ppl think it is ok to keep having baby after baby after baby,just so they can get the gender they want?? and they aren’t ashamed to admit it either!!

i think most of these ppl are very simple minded,and tend to neglect the children they already have,who are the opposite gender of what they REALLY wanted in the first place.

i’m all for trying to sway things. i did that while ttc erika and God blessed me with my baby girl. but i can tell ya if she had been a boy i knew that it was meant to be and God planned it that way. i wasn’t going to keep having more ‘until i got a girl’. that’s crazy! especially if the young boys in the family hear it said over and over. do you really think that’s appropriate adult behavior? i didn’t try for one or the other with my boys. knowing my 3rd would most likely be the last,i figured why not? let’s have some fun with it.

i just think it is sad to hear ppl so unhappy with what God has blessed them with,that they become a baby making machine until they get what they want. seems like someones a bit self centered dontcha think? hmmm

it’s a huge pet peeve of mine. if you want a big family,go for it.but be sure you have a damn place to live and don’t get evicted every 12-18m and you have a large enough vehicle,plus honest money to raise another baby.and don’t keep popping them out just cause they are the ‘wrong’ gender.

it’s just not cool! those poor babies!

it is funny to see just how BORED the stupid ones must be!! (stupid ones refer to a group of small minded ‘mothers’ who spend their time gossiping about one another and others,belittling others and generally living a life of shame filled with being fakers and haters).

once again, the stupid ones have nothing better to do,so they send out a worker ant(lmao)to start shit all over again. this worker ant is so damn immature,young -not just in age but even younger in maturity and intelligence. she starts running her loose lips,spewing lies. funny,they’ve even got new spins on them this time! lol maybe even more boredom got the best of the stupid ones and they had to add more fun to the mix? i laugh at the stupid ones. i also feel sorry for them.what kind of ppl would do that to others….to tell blatant lies over and over for months,and even make up new ones? they obviously have simple minds and nothing better to do.

i for one will always stand taller than the stupid ones.i am honest with my words and do not/will not take crap from anyone. i say it like it is,i tell it how i see it. the stupid ones couldn’t handle the truth. they enjoyed their games way too much to see the truth. but i for one do not stand for listening to another person try to engage me into talking badly about someone they consider to be a friend- over and over and over again. the most guilty of all the stupid ones lives a life filled with so much dishonesty and cheating,that it makes me ill to even dwell on it. thus,i won’t allow her to even enter my thoughts. she has the loosest and largest lips of them all. always trying to bring others down to make herself look larger.lol. she hated when i spread honesty to the others,telling them the awful things she said about them.so of course in retaliation she had to start bad mouthing me as well.

at that point,i truly realized just how stupid they were and i made the wise choice to no longer associate myself with ppl of ‘that’ caliber. they deserve each other,they’re one and the same.content to spend their time trying to  bring others down and backstabbing one another. that isn’t what a real friend is like.

the stupid ones are great at pretending to be friends with other stupid ones,but at any chance they get,will backstab one another to anyone who will listen. hence how they got their group name! 🙂 i will NEVER stand for listening to such bs talk from one who pretends to be friends with whom they are poorly speaking of.

the stupid ones have already crumbled in upon themselves once. it is only a matter of time before it happens again.

i am so happy to have found myself  a whole new set of REAL friends,who actually like to do fun things.we are real,we don’t bad mouth each other,we are MATURE and all of our well behaved children get along wonderfully! the children have not been taught they are better than other children,the children are not trained to be stuck up!!my friends are fun women,their husbands are just as awesome,they actually speak and don’t just sit in a chair eating and drinking and looking all scowl faced. they are true gentleman.

the stupid ones also like to make fun of ppl with mental illnesses and those who are different. now THAT shows just how stupid they are! but…… karma is a bigger bitch than they will ever be.and God is listening to what they say. He very well may hit their family with a mental illness!!

so hopefully the stupid ones will get over themselves sometime this century and grow up! they are NOTHING so long as they choose to act this way.society has been tainted by them and others like them. very sad.

perhaps the most complicated months in my entire life thus far- july and august 2009. i am happy that september is peeking around the corner and i can say so long to august.

august began with frequent thoughts of suicide- more of suicidal ideations than an actual plan to complete it. my children are my life,i truly live for them.but i felt so hopeless in july and at the beginning of august that thoughts of everything being no more would enter my mind more often than daily.honestly ,a couple times i was triggered and figured some family members would be better off without me.

then of course i got help going into the 2nd week of august. i knew i was at rock bottom by a few things that had transpired.and soon after i had HOPE.

now we’re closing out the month and i have been so hopeful for almost 2 weeks,have a mostly positive attitude and a renewed lease on life!! things are definately different this time. i am fed up with my depression and with how long it went on this time before i got help. i don’t EVER want to go thru another time like the past 6 months( started after my surgery).total hell,ripped me raw from the inside out.

so august,you can leave now!! i’m ready for a fresh,new month! bring on september. i am stronger,more hopeful and determined to succeed. 🙂


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