My Life In Words

Archive for the ‘Pregnancy’ Category

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sshhh,i bought a christmas gift for my dd-a dress up outfit with heels and girly stuff! she needs it in this house of boys!!

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so during one of my sleepless nights/early mornings today i tried out anew app with my cell phone while waiting for isaak to finish nursing.

i’d forgotten all about it til i just peeked at my sidebar and saw his gorgeous lil baby face staring back at me!! YAY it worked!!

i uploaded all the cell phone pix i have taken since getting my new cell to my smugmug site(which i’ve had 7yrs but have been VERY VERY bad with updating since becoming active with social networks)…so most of the pix are of my sweety nursing or sleeping right after nursing!! hah.

the lil things make me happy!! YAY for it working and being able to share the pix not just via text message!! 🙂

go take a peek…seeing how i’ve not posted photos of my newest blessing on my blog just yet…*blush*…but trust me if you are a friend on facebook you have already been drowning in them!! ❤

*edit-ok maybe not…lol just a few seem to have transferred.i will work on that later to get them all up there! 🙂 and see about getting them to facebook too…like i ned more there! hah!

better late than never, right? the inevitable is happening in 7 days or less so i figured i’d better stop trying to put it off and just come to grips with it already!!

Birth plan for baby of Kelly P*****/ Kerry ******
 
-Please lower the surgical drape so I am able to see him being pulled from the womb
 
-Please allow Dad(if he is up to it,and baby is ok), to cut the cord
 
-Please delay all eye cream and injections until after Baby has had skin to skin contact with Mom and been put to the breast for his first nursing attempt-I understand they need to be applied within the end of the 1st hour, I just ask to have that intial hour with him before these things are performed
 
-Please have the Babys footprints applied to our baby book(Dad will show the page),and also to Dads surgical gown

-Please don’t forget I am also having a tubal

-If possible, stitches on the outside that dissolve would be much appreciated rather than staples

-I had an allergic reaction to the steri strips after my daughters csection, please use an alternative if it is available
 
-Our son will NOT be circumcised

-Please do not offer sugar water or formula of any type
 
THANK YOU for helping us welcome our boy into the world by allowing us to follow these few guidelines to make it memorable for us.

That 5th request is super important,i may use a hi lighter to make it stand out!! 😉

erika loves to rub my belly and talk about how she is going to hold her baby over her shoulder and pat his back ‘when he comes out’. every day she asks if he is coming out!! lol

tonight she rubbed all over my belly and tickled it telling me she was making the baby giggle in my tummy. then she leaned in and gave my belly a kiss while saying-i love you baby!!

then she points to my belly button and says-that’s how the baby got in there mommy! you see him? he is right in there!!

she REALLY wants to change his diapers too! lmao. and to be honest-she is good at it!! lol all her dolls and stuffed animals wear either a diaper or pull up-perfectly applied!

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so we found out i was pregnant back in december. quite the shocker i’m telling ya! i was perfectly content with 3 kids,and was SO done and not wanting any more at all. 😦

for health reasons,i can’t take BC so i tried my damndest to convince the MR. to go get snipped. but he’s a chicken shit,yes he is! GRRR. and yes i actually went thru a period of blaming him fully for this pregnancy.like i had no part in it whatsoever, right? but it happened, and here i am about to enter into the 7th month already!! so we deal.

at first i wanted nothing AT ALL to do with the pregnancy-AT ALL. read between the lines all ya want, go ahead! then realizing i just couldn’t do that, i was 100% set on giving it up for adoption. i had no love or bond with the fetus and was set on keeping it that way. i spent HOURS/DAYS browsing different adoption sites, reading stories from adoptees and adopters. i saw both sides of the coin. the good, the bad the ugly. but i didn’t sway from how i felt. and i was SICK. so sick i pretty much lived in bed for weeks on end. nothing stayed down. nothing tasted normal, nothing smelled nice. having anyone even touch me or breath near me would set me off. life was in a word…. HELL for me and everyone near me.

and all this time, no one knew i was pregnant.

so i suffered by myself and became very very depressed and felt super guilty for not having any feelings for my unborn baby. during the worst moments of being sick,i would blame the innocent being inside me for causing it all!!! life.just.sucked.big.time….and so the guilt grew even more! i even told my ob practice that i was giving the baby up when i went for my first visit.i wanted it to be on the table so i would stand my ground with it.

little by little i shared my news with a few close friends whom i trusted and who i could talk to about my feelings on adoption. they didn’t judge.but they were honest with me. at 17 weeks, i pretty much finally told everyone,including family.i was waiting til i had one more test done to be sure the baby was ok but due to an extremely poor decision of a grown man(not related) telling my uncle,the news was out sooner than i wanted. i was pissed off at first, but in the end he did me a favor and no harm no foul.i no longer want to maim him. 😉

at a mere 14 weeks i had a 3d/4d scan done and was told i am having a BOY! she was 75% sure and wanted me back at 16wks to confirm. i pretty much expected it to be a boy since i had a dream(to be in another post cause it’s so awesome like that!)very early on and my boy dreams were right 3 out of 3 times! i never had gender dreams with erika-weird! plus, my body is just naturally inclined to have boy babies.we ‘swayed’ for erika just for fun since it was to be my last baby(haha! jokes on me!). i took like 15 different vitamins/supplements every day,ate certain foods,avoided others,tested my PH to keep it at a certain level,did certain ‘things’ after a certain ‘thing’. 😉 plus the MR. even had to do special things. and it worked! granted,i beleive in the end it’s up to God what you get,so i do feel really blessed to have gotten my princess. she is such a blessing and so different than raising boys. i feel very lucky to have her in this testosterone filled home!

SO…..fast forward to april 2nd at 6am….. as usual i was wide awake with insomnia winning. piglet AKA the babe was also wide awake and putting on a kick boxing show. i decided to place my hands on my belly to see just how strong he has gotten.and i was able to feel his kicks/punches for the first time from the outside! 🙂 i’ve been feeling inner flutters/kicks since 12ish weeks but never by placing my hand to my tummy. anyhoo…in that moment i just had this calm feeling wash over my body and i just knew right then and there- i was KEEPING this baby. it really was the FIRST time i knew in my heart 100% sure what i was going to do. and it felt RIGHT. it hadn’t felt right before then.my brain would say one thing,my heart the opposite.it was a horrendous struggle,more like a fight- every damn day,and it wasn’t fun! so my choice has been made,and even tho i still wonder if it is the right one-i do know that i am OKAY with it and am going to give it my best. i can’t do much more than that.i just hope it all works out.and i am thankful to my friends who have been praying for me over this decision and talking with me. my most heartfelt thanks to sara,truly a one of a kind soul on this earth! she’s taken the brunt of all my emotions over these past months via text message and no matter how i felt or how crazy things got she was always willing to accept what i had to say without trying to change my mind or push me in one direction.she was my angel thru this whole thing. i don’t know how i could have gotten thru it without her by my side to ‘listen’ to my rambles at 3am every morning! lol THANK YOU SARA,FOREVER!! 🙂

so on august 6th i shall become a mommy to 4 children. holy crap! lol. i have to get a c section since erika was an emergency c section and that is how most docs work these days.i might still try and look into finding a doc that is willing to allow me to have a VBAC,but since i had spinal surgery a year ago in my lumbar area, it may not be the best choice. as it is i may not even be a candidate for the spinal necessary with the c section. they may have to give me general anesthesia and i’d miss the whole thing. 😦 i’ve no idea why anyone would ever choose to want a c section over a vaginal birth. it’s INSANE!!

when i told the kids we were having another baby they were excited and wanted a BOY! lol needless to say they are happy.and jakob wants to name him aleksander,but i’m not loving the name anymore. so he remains nameless still. on the current list is: mikal/mikel, zakry,aleks. that’s it! do you have any idea how hard it is to keep up this K thing i started with jakob?? oof. it isn’t easy!! not to mention the 3 of them all have just 5 letters to their name,and while it was purely coincidental,i feel that i need to make this next ones name 5 as well. *sigh*there’s just not many options.

now that i’m no longer sick and having to carry bags everywhere i go,i’ve gained about 5 pounds. i’m still wearing all my regular clothes and that’s pretty darn cool! 🙂 though the jeans aren’t very comfy anymore in the waist.

erika is the most excited-daily she asks me if she is going to be allowed to hold the ‘brother’ on her shoulder and pat his back. it’s the sweetest thing to see how excited the thought of that makes her! she will be such a good mommys helper. she knows how to put diapers on like a PRO! just look at her doll and stuffed animal collection-every one of them is diapered!! HAHA.

jakob was the first person to be able to feel him kick from the outside(aside from me). kerry was next,a few days after that. he couldn’t feel it with his hand so i told him to lay his cheek on my tummy and talk to his son. after about 5 words he got kicked in the face!! man,it was GREAT! wish i could have gotten a picture of his expression!!

the stress is still on over drive but i kind of have to put it on the back burner as it just isn’t healthy right now.i need to start taking it one day at a time.and speaking of time….it is flying by!! it’s unreal how fast this is moving along!!

i’ll share an ultrasound photo soon! those on facebook have already seen a few tho. 🙂

so that’s my latest&greatest!

so i guess it’s not a good way to start the day. but when i get out of bed the thought-i’m a bad mom-keeps going thru my mind.

i don’t REALLY think i am.i do know i have short comings,none of us can be perfect moms,tho i know a few who like to think they are. *rolls eyes*

i just beat myself up over stupid shit and for some reason that is how my day starts-with me telling myself that. totally have to change that!! it surely can’t help my day get off to a good start!! 😦

it doesn’t help that my own mom made a derogatory comment about my mothering in the not so recent past. it was totally uncalled for and yes-unwarranted.but it was said.

what i NEED to do is get this social anxiety under control so i can get out more in public with my kids without feeling so tense and paranoid about my surroundings. some days just being in my own front yard is too difficult to do.it’s THAT bad. unfortunately some ppl like to think of it as being lazy.i WISH it was that simple!! lol yea i can be lazy like the best of them,but this is different.i WANT to take my kids places by myself,but there are periods of time that i just cannot do it,or cannot do it very well.

i like to recall the 2 times i took the boys BY MYSELF to sea world and the one time to disney mgm studios!!!! i still can’t beleive i did it!! i feel proud of myself every time i recall those 3 occasions.i also clearly remember the feelings i went thru both times,but i was able to make it thru!! now since i have 3 kids-i am not sure i could do that again by myself-for more reasons now!! lol BUT,i have been soooo tempted to try it!! if it wasn’t for the back/leg issues combined with everything else i might actually follow thru. but by the time we get inside the front gates i might already be in pain and have to sit down. 😦 so i am too scared to try alone now for that reason as well. if i can ever get thru a trip to the grocery store without having to be near tears from the pain then maybe i really will attempt that trip with the kids alone. God i wish my body didn’t feel so OLD!

(yes,this was 2 1/2 yrs ago(we went on lukas’ 1st bday),but i still remember it like it was yesterday!)

sea world again for santa pictures-and i was pregnant and alone!lol woohoo

mgm studios to see the osbourne festival of lights-i was VERY pregnant so we didn’t stay long-but i DID IT!

it’s a shame my back issues got worse and the leg nerve thing started since having erika 😦

next month i am supposed to be starting new meds..i THINK! since we are 99% done with nursing,i am able to get back on the stronger stuff. i have already moved onto the stronger stuff for my back/pain(that’s another post!lol). so maybe in another 2 months things will REALLY start to look up.but i am not looking forward to the trial and error of meds again. it’s been nice knowing what i am now taking is IT. as in-no other options while nursing-take IT or take nothing. i am soooo side effect sensitive it is not even funny! 😦

enough rambling….

HI Mommy

I am only 3/4 of an inch long

but I have all my organs.

I love the sound of your voice.

Every time I hear it

I wave my arms and legs.

The sound of your heart beat

is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two

Mommy

today I learned how to suck my thumb.

If you could see me

you could definitely tell that I am a baby.

I’m not big enough to survive outside my home though.

It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three

You know what Mommy

I’m a boy!!

I hope that makes you happy.

I always want you to be happy.

I don’t like it when you cry.

You sound so sad.

It makes me sad too

and I cry with you even though

you can’t hear me.

Month Four

Mommy

my hair is starting to grow.

It is very short and fine

but I will have a lot of it.

I spend a lot of my time exercising.

I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes

and stretch my arms and legs.

I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five

You went to the doctor today.

Mommy, he lied to you.

He said that I’m not a baby.

I am a baby Mommy, your baby.

I think and feel.

Mommy, what’s abortion?

Month Six

I can hear that doctor again.

I don’t like him.

He seems cold and heartless.

Something is intruding my home.

The doctor called it a needle.

Mommy what is it? It burns!

Please make him stop!

I can’t get away from it!

Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven

Mommy

I am okay.

I am in Jesus’s arms.

He is holding me.

He told me about abortion.

Why didn’t you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . .

One more heart that was stopped.

Two more eyes that will never see.

Two more hands that will never touch.

Two more legs that will never run.

One more mouth that will never speak.

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