My Life In Words

Archive for the ‘Sadness’ Category

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.  They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  They may seem like a godsend, and they are.  They are there for the reason you need them to be.  Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.  Sometimes they die.  Sometimes they walk away.  Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.  What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled;  their work is done.  The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.  They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.  They may teach you something you have never done.  They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.  Believe it!  It is real!  But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.  Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);  and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.  It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown


have you noticed the right side bar of my blog lately??? yup…that part with the persons face and it says socialvibe and has a counter!!

help me to help them have CLEAN WATER!! it will just take a few minutes of your time and won’t cost you a cent…just click thru some stuff and read the prompts to make the counter go up and you will be helping some fellow human beings enjoy the simplest thing on earth- CLEAN WATER!!

please do this! i promise it will make you feel good,too! 😉 PAY IT FORWARD- it makes life worthwhile for all of us!!

i would love to know if you took the time to help…leave me a comment if you’d like and pat yourself on the back a bit!

so we found out i was pregnant back in december. quite the shocker i’m telling ya! i was perfectly content with 3 kids,and was SO done and not wanting any more at all. 😦

for health reasons,i can’t take BC so i tried my damndest to convince the MR. to go get snipped. but he’s a chicken shit,yes he is! GRRR. and yes i actually went thru a period of blaming him fully for this i had no part in it whatsoever, right? but it happened, and here i am about to enter into the 7th month already!! so we deal.

at first i wanted nothing AT ALL to do with the pregnancy-AT ALL. read between the lines all ya want, go ahead! then realizing i just couldn’t do that, i was 100% set on giving it up for adoption. i had no love or bond with the fetus and was set on keeping it that way. i spent HOURS/DAYS browsing different adoption sites, reading stories from adoptees and adopters. i saw both sides of the coin. the good, the bad the ugly. but i didn’t sway from how i felt. and i was SICK. so sick i pretty much lived in bed for weeks on end. nothing stayed down. nothing tasted normal, nothing smelled nice. having anyone even touch me or breath near me would set me off. life was in a word…. HELL for me and everyone near me.

and all this time, no one knew i was pregnant.

so i suffered by myself and became very very depressed and felt super guilty for not having any feelings for my unborn baby. during the worst moments of being sick,i would blame the innocent being inside me for causing it all!!! life.just.sucked.big.time….and so the guilt grew even more! i even told my ob practice that i was giving the baby up when i went for my first visit.i wanted it to be on the table so i would stand my ground with it.

little by little i shared my news with a few close friends whom i trusted and who i could talk to about my feelings on adoption. they didn’t judge.but they were honest with me. at 17 weeks, i pretty much finally told everyone,including family.i was waiting til i had one more test done to be sure the baby was ok but due to an extremely poor decision of a grown man(not related) telling my uncle,the news was out sooner than i wanted. i was pissed off at first, but in the end he did me a favor and no harm no foul.i no longer want to maim him. 😉

at a mere 14 weeks i had a 3d/4d scan done and was told i am having a BOY! she was 75% sure and wanted me back at 16wks to confirm. i pretty much expected it to be a boy since i had a dream(to be in another post cause it’s so awesome like that!)very early on and my boy dreams were right 3 out of 3 times! i never had gender dreams with erika-weird! plus, my body is just naturally inclined to have boy babies.we ‘swayed’ for erika just for fun since it was to be my last baby(haha! jokes on me!). i took like 15 different vitamins/supplements every day,ate certain foods,avoided others,tested my PH to keep it at a certain level,did certain ‘things’ after a certain ‘thing’. 😉 plus the MR. even had to do special things. and it worked! granted,i beleive in the end it’s up to God what you get,so i do feel really blessed to have gotten my princess. she is such a blessing and so different than raising boys. i feel very lucky to have her in this testosterone filled home!

SO… forward to april 2nd at 6am….. as usual i was wide awake with insomnia winning. piglet AKA the babe was also wide awake and putting on a kick boxing show. i decided to place my hands on my belly to see just how strong he has gotten.and i was able to feel his kicks/punches for the first time from the outside! 🙂 i’ve been feeling inner flutters/kicks since 12ish weeks but never by placing my hand to my tummy. anyhoo…in that moment i just had this calm feeling wash over my body and i just knew right then and there- i was KEEPING this baby. it really was the FIRST time i knew in my heart 100% sure what i was going to do. and it felt RIGHT. it hadn’t felt right before brain would say one thing,my heart the was a horrendous struggle,more like a fight- every damn day,and it wasn’t fun! so my choice has been made,and even tho i still wonder if it is the right one-i do know that i am OKAY with it and am going to give it my best. i can’t do much more than that.i just hope it all works out.and i am thankful to my friends who have been praying for me over this decision and talking with me. my most heartfelt thanks to sara,truly a one of a kind soul on this earth! she’s taken the brunt of all my emotions over these past months via text message and no matter how i felt or how crazy things got she was always willing to accept what i had to say without trying to change my mind or push me in one direction.she was my angel thru this whole thing. i don’t know how i could have gotten thru it without her by my side to ‘listen’ to my rambles at 3am every morning! lol THANK YOU SARA,FOREVER!! 🙂

so on august 6th i shall become a mommy to 4 children. holy crap! lol. i have to get a c section since erika was an emergency c section and that is how most docs work these days.i might still try and look into finding a doc that is willing to allow me to have a VBAC,but since i had spinal surgery a year ago in my lumbar area, it may not be the best choice. as it is i may not even be a candidate for the spinal necessary with the c section. they may have to give me general anesthesia and i’d miss the whole thing. 😦 i’ve no idea why anyone would ever choose to want a c section over a vaginal birth. it’s INSANE!!

when i told the kids we were having another baby they were excited and wanted a BOY! lol needless to say they are happy.and jakob wants to name him aleksander,but i’m not loving the name anymore. so he remains nameless still. on the current list is: mikal/mikel, zakry,aleks. that’s it! do you have any idea how hard it is to keep up this K thing i started with jakob?? oof. it isn’t easy!! not to mention the 3 of them all have just 5 letters to their name,and while it was purely coincidental,i feel that i need to make this next ones name 5 as well. *sigh*there’s just not many options.

now that i’m no longer sick and having to carry bags everywhere i go,i’ve gained about 5 pounds. i’m still wearing all my regular clothes and that’s pretty darn cool! 🙂 though the jeans aren’t very comfy anymore in the waist.

erika is the most excited-daily she asks me if she is going to be allowed to hold the ‘brother’ on her shoulder and pat his back. it’s the sweetest thing to see how excited the thought of that makes her! she will be such a good mommys helper. she knows how to put diapers on like a PRO! just look at her doll and stuffed animal collection-every one of them is diapered!! HAHA.

jakob was the first person to be able to feel him kick from the outside(aside from me). kerry was next,a few days after that. he couldn’t feel it with his hand so i told him to lay his cheek on my tummy and talk to his son. after about 5 words he got kicked in the face!! man,it was GREAT! wish i could have gotten a picture of his expression!!

the stress is still on over drive but i kind of have to put it on the back burner as it just isn’t healthy right now.i need to start taking it one day at a time.and speaking of time….it is flying by!! it’s unreal how fast this is moving along!!

i’ll share an ultrasound photo soon! those on facebook have already seen a few tho. 🙂

so that’s my latest&greatest!

I lost a special friend today
the kind you can’t replace, 
and looking at her empty bed
I still can see her face. 

I know she’s in a special place 
our Lord has for such friends, 
Where meadows, fields & flowers 
help make them strong and whole again.

I know she’s watching over me
She’ll be with me when I cry,
So with one more kiss on her beloved head
I told my friend goodbye

author unknown

as i sit here typing,my baby is in my playground(aka office)crying. she is nestled in a box lid with 2 inch high sides for stability and security.these are her final hours in this world.

i watched her come into this world in the hot month of june,1991. i was newly 18 years old,i will be 37 next month. spaz and her brother blue moon,along with a few more siblings were born that day. it was an amazing sight for my eyes. to see the wonder of nature,instinct and a mother cats love all work in sync-it is something i’ll never forget.we thought spaz was born dead,for she came out fully encased in the sac and not moving for minutes. little did we know that mama cat had it all under control. she began to eat away at the sticky membranes surrounding the kitten and forcefully nudging it all the while. once fully out,she licked the little ball of fur until it began breathing and moving. it was so incredible,(albeit gross at the time)to watch the process.

i chose spaz and blue moon as my own from the bunch.over the years i’ve had as many as 6 cats in my home at one cats are my family.before i had children,they were all i had. i can’t tell you how many times my feline friends helped me out of depression and made me feel not quite so alone in the darkest moments of my life. i’d do anything for them! i passed up renting great places to live because i refused to give up my cats.i’ve had bills go unpaid because my cats well being came first.heck-i’m medically allergic to cats but yet even that can’t make me give them up.i’ve been the subject of ridicule with how much i have been willing to pay for the health of my cats,or for the medical maintenance we take on at home.currently,her brother recieves sub cutaneous fluids on a regular basis at home to help with his kidney disease/failure.

spaz has enriched my life so much and i will never forget her.she has kept watch over my newborn babies,she has curled up near my head on lonely nights,she has watched tv with me at all hours of the day,she has allowed little hands to pull her tail and poke her eyes and never once hissed,she has literally reached a paw out to me when i was crying,she would always grab my hand and bring it to her face if she wanted scratches in her special spots,she’s a great foot warmer and whenever i was pregnant,she loved to keep my belly warm.i’m a firm believer that cats know when their owner is pregnant.

she has been such a special part of my life for nearly 19 years! i may have made some mistakes,i may have ignored her during life transitions,or skipped a day or 2 cleaning the litter boxes,but her love has always been unconditional and never ending. i’ve always felt a special bond with my spaz. she would never grab other peoples hands and bring them to her face,it was something special between her and i only.

she was diagnosed with feline diabetes in the beginning of 2007.along with it came neuropathy.we started giving her twice daily insulin shots,and i’d keep an eye on her blood glucose levels at home using a lancet kit just like human diabetics use. some may have put down a cat with such an illness,but why i’ll never understand.we’ve gotten 3 more years with her by treating her illness.i would never discard my family member just because they are ill. it wasn’t a death sentence and is easily treatable. she deserved to be cared for to the best of our ability! granted,there were times she missed her shots and i’ll always have guilt over it,but no one is perfect.

i know deep in my heart her time is up.she has lived beyond the average lifespan of an indoor cat. her life has been a full one; full of lots of love too! but knowing this isn’t helping the pain in my heart.i have cried so much since december 30th when her health took a turn for the worse.i told myself  i’d give her a few days to be sure it wasn’t something she could bounce back from,like she did last march after seizing and only having 10% body hydration.but by saturday january 2nd,she showed no signs of improvement and in fact had gotten worse. she began crying and the neuropathy was in full force. i made a promise to myself and to her that monday is the day.

this weekend has been the longest in my life.on one hand i didn’t want it to end and on the other hand i wanted monday to hurry and get here.i just don’t want to give her up forever and ever.she is such a big part of my life. but i know she is suffering now and it is my duty to her to help end it.but it doesn’t make it any easier,not at all. my heart is still breaking for the both of us. i’ve never experienced the process of euthanasia before. i knew one day i may have to,but hoped mother nature would supercede such a time.

i spent a long time in the dark hours of the morning sunday quietly talking to spaz. i gently pet her in all her favorite spots and reminded her how much she is loved. i kissed her and whispered it was ok for her to go now,i would understand.i told her i was sorry for the times i was less than perfect,i thanked her for the love she has given me and for the gentleness she always showed the children.and again told her she could go now,to stop fighting and find peace. her cries are heart breaking,she is such a fighter.

she dragged herself in here a few minutes ago and tried to climb her doggy stairs to get in bed with now she is lying next to me in her box lid,with her eyes barely open and her front paws keep twitching every few this rate,i may not go to sleep and just get to the vet right when they’s 545am,it just makes more sense. i don’t want to sleep with her like this.if i slept,it would delay it even longer.but i want to delay it. i want her.i don’t want her to leave me. i know that is selfish and it isn’t fair to her.i’m just going to miss her terribly.i didn’t think it would be this difficult.i’ve shed so many tears this weekend,it just won’t stop.

i love you spazzy! i hope you know how much you are loved and how much better life was with you a part of it. may you rest in peace,free from pain. may you smile as you cross over the rainbow bridge :

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together…. 

Author unknown



february of 2009-spaz


october 09.spaz&blue moon were both very ill

we love you spaz

january 3rd,2010 her last day here on earth is january 4th ;(




i have tons and tons of blog worthy material,so much in fact that i’ve got nothin’. it’s just too overwhelms my mind. i really need to get back in business.

i have a bunch of cute kid-ims jotted down at the moment so i could blog them….soon…..very soon.

life is life still. it could be better. it isn’t as good as it was in september/october but hopefully soon it gets back there.

just way way too much going on in my life right now. i just can’t really dissect it all. it’s too overwhelming most days.i’ve lost my patience supply and found myself becoming more and more ambivalent,about more and more things/circumstances. it isn’t the healthiest feeling in the world.

i’ve been missing TC so much lately.i really miss having that connection with someone,especially in times of need. the pain of the loss has gotten less,but the intensity i don’t think has,and it may never.

i’m going to turn 37 soon, and it seems so surreal in many ways. at least i have accomplished my main goal i had as a youngster…to be a mommy!! i always wanted to have a bunch of kids. it’s the most rewarding ‘job’ in the world but man is it ever trying at times. some days i question it all. but being a mom really has some great rewards.

i think i’m just in a funk again.i need to get motivated. i have so much to take care of,to get started,to complete,to figure out.and i’d lately just prefer to sleep(altho unfortunately at odd hours.grr)

i gotta get my mojo i just need to START,and stop just thinking.

and there ya have it…i’ve got nothin’….nothin’ all over the board!

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perhaps the most complicated months in my entire life thus far- july and august 2009. i am happy that september is peeking around the corner and i can say so long to august.

august began with frequent thoughts of suicide- more of suicidal ideations than an actual plan to complete it. my children are my life,i truly live for them.but i felt so hopeless in july and at the beginning of august that thoughts of everything being no more would enter my mind more often than daily.honestly ,a couple times i was triggered and figured some family members would be better off without me.

then of course i got help going into the 2nd week of august. i knew i was at rock bottom by a few things that had transpired.and soon after i had HOPE.

now we’re closing out the month and i have been so hopeful for almost 2 weeks,have a mostly positive attitude and a renewed lease on life!! things are definately different this time. i am fed up with my depression and with how long it went on this time before i got help. i don’t EVER want to go thru another time like the past 6 months( started after my surgery).total hell,ripped me raw from the inside out.

so august,you can leave now!! i’m ready for a fresh,new month! bring on september. i am stronger,more hopeful and determined to succeed. 🙂

Fresh, Never Frozen!

July 2019
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