My Life In Words

as i sit here typing,my baby is in my playground(aka office)crying. she is nestled in a box lid with 2 inch high sides for stability and security.these are her final hours in this world.

i watched her come into this world in the hot month of june,1991. i was newly 18 years old,i will be 37 next month. spaz and her brother blue moon,along with a few more siblings were born that day. it was an amazing sight for my eyes. to see the wonder of nature,instinct and a mother cats love all work in sync-it is something i’ll never forget.we thought spaz was born dead,for she came out fully encased in the sac and not moving for minutes. little did we know that mama cat had it all under control. she began to eat away at the sticky membranes surrounding the kitten and forcefully nudging it all the while. once fully out,she licked the little ball of fur until it began breathing and moving. it was so incredible,(albeit gross at the time)to watch the process.

i chose spaz and blue moon as my own from the bunch.over the years i’ve had as many as 6 cats in my home at one time.my cats are my family.before i had children,they were all i had. i can’t tell you how many times my feline friends helped me out of depression and made me feel not quite so alone in the darkest moments of my life. i’d do anything for them! i passed up renting great places to live because i refused to give up my cats.i’ve had bills go unpaid because my cats well being came first.heck-i’m medically allergic to cats but yet even that can’t make me give them up.i’ve been the subject of ridicule with how much i have been willing to pay for the health of my cats,or for the medical maintenance we take on at home.currently,her brother recieves sub cutaneous fluids on a regular basis at home to help with his kidney disease/failure.

spaz has enriched my life so much and i will never forget her.she has kept watch over my newborn babies,she has curled up near my head on lonely nights,she has watched tv with me at all hours of the day,she has allowed little hands to pull her tail and poke her eyes and never once hissed,she has literally reached a paw out to me when i was crying,she would always grab my hand and bring it to her face if she wanted scratches in her special spots,she’s a great foot warmer and whenever i was pregnant,she loved to keep my belly warm.i’m a firm believer that cats know when their owner is pregnant.

she has been such a special part of my life for nearly 19 years! i may have made some mistakes,i may have ignored her during life transitions,or skipped a day or 2 cleaning the litter boxes,but her love has always been unconditional and never ending. i’ve always felt a special bond with my spaz. she would never grab other peoples hands and bring them to her face,it was something special between her and i only.

she was diagnosed with feline diabetes in the beginning of 2007.along with it came neuropathy.we started giving her twice daily insulin shots,and i’d keep an eye on her blood glucose levels at home using a lancet kit just like human diabetics use. some may have put down a cat with such an illness,but why i’ll never understand.we’ve gotten 3 more years with her by treating her illness.i would never discard my family member just because they are ill. it wasn’t a death sentence and is easily treatable. she deserved to be cared for to the best of our ability! granted,there were times she missed her shots and i’ll always have guilt over it,but no one is perfect.

i know deep in my heart her time is up.she has lived beyond the average lifespan of an indoor cat. her life has been a full one; full of lots of love too! but knowing this isn’t helping the pain in my heart.i have cried so much since december 30th when her health took a turn for the worse.i told myself  i’d give her a few days to be sure it wasn’t something she could bounce back from,like she did last march after seizing and only having 10% body hydration.but by saturday january 2nd,she showed no signs of improvement and in fact had gotten worse. she began crying and the neuropathy was in full force. i made a promise to myself and to her that monday is the day.

this weekend has been the longest in my life.on one hand i didn’t want it to end and on the other hand i wanted monday to hurry and get here.i just don’t want to give her up forever and ever.she is such a big part of my life. but i know she is suffering now and it is my duty to her to help end it.but it doesn’t make it any easier,not at all. my heart is still breaking for the both of us. i’ve never experienced the process of euthanasia before. i knew one day i may have to,but hoped mother nature would supercede such a time.

i spent a long time in the dark hours of the morning sunday quietly talking to spaz. i gently pet her in all her favorite spots and reminded her how much she is loved. i kissed her and whispered it was ok for her to go now,i would understand.i told her i was sorry for the times i was less than perfect,i thanked her for the love she has given me and for the gentleness she always showed the children.and again told her she could go now,to stop fighting and find peace. her cries are heart breaking,she is such a fighter.

she dragged herself in here a few minutes ago and tried to climb her doggy stairs to get in bed with me.so now she is lying next to me in her box lid,with her eyes barely open and her front paws keep twitching every few seconds.at this rate,i may not go to sleep and just get to the vet right when they open.it’s 545am,it just makes more sense. i don’t want to sleep with her like this.if i slept,it would delay it even longer.but i want to delay it. i want her.i don’t want her to leave me. i know that is selfish and it isn’t fair to her.i’m just going to miss her terribly.i didn’t think it would be this difficult.i’ve shed so many tears this weekend,it just won’t stop.

i love you spazzy! i hope you know how much you are loved and how much better life was with you a part of it. may you rest in peace,free from pain. may you smile as you cross over the rainbow bridge : http://rainbowsbridge.com/Poem.htm

february of 2009-spaz october 09.spaz&blue moon were both very ill january 3rd,2010 her last day here on earth is january 4th ;(